VAMC

Today I had an appointment, I had one yesterday too. Yesterdays was good, we talked about anger and how I'm afraid of it. I don't like being out of control, I really can't even let myself cry, like really cry because I feel like I'm not in control. So, I'm afraid to get angry, what if getting angry just isn't in my healing process??? Last night was rough, I got some bad news and I lost it. I was going to kill myself last night and then a voice inside me said "call Grammi". I called and told her what was going on and we were able to talk it out and change my mind. The thought is still on my mind though. Don't worry- I promised my mom that if the urge became to strong for me I would voluntarily check myself into the hospital. They asked me if I wanted to stay during my appointment and I said "no". I don't ever want to go back to the hospital, but I will if I have too. My mom is checking in on me and making sure I'm doing okay and we sleep with our phones so I can get her in the night if I need help. My mom is always there for me no matter what and I wish I knew how to show her how much I appreciate her, sometimes I feel like saying it isn't enough.

I made my second trip to the store for this week today, I didn't feel like going home after my appointment and so I drove to Wal Mart. I did need cereal, my chest got really tight when I first started in, but I used the grounding technique and was able to relax (as much as possible) and I walked around the store and checked things out. I was really in my own little world with everything thats on my mind right now. It really wasn't that bad. Well its time for me to get some sleep, or try to anyway. Night.