VAMC

Today I had an appointment, I had one yesterday too. Yesterdays was good, we talked about anger and how I'm afraid of it. I don't like being out of control, I really can't even let myself cry, like really cry because I feel like I'm not in control. So, I'm afraid to get angry, what if getting angry just isn't in my healing process??? Last night was rough, I got some bad news and I lost it. I was going to kill myself last night and then a voice inside me said "call Grammi". I called and told her what was going on and we were able to talk it out and change my mind. The thought is still on my mind though. Don't worry- I promised my mom that if the urge became to strong for me I would voluntarily check myself into the hospital. They asked me if I wanted to stay during my appointment and I said "no". I don't ever want to go back to the hospital, but I will if I have too. My mom is checking in on me and making sure I'm doing okay and we sleep with our phones so I can get her in the night if I need help. My mom is always there for me no matter what and I wish I knew how to show her how much I appreciate her, sometimes I feel like saying it isn't enough.

I made my second trip to the store for this week today, I didn't feel like going home after my appointment and so I drove to Wal Mart. I did need cereal, my chest got really tight when I first started in, but I used the grounding technique and was able to relax (as much as possible) and I walked around the store and checked things out. I was really in my own little world with everything thats on my mind right now. It really wasn't that bad. Well its time for me to get some sleep, or try to anyway. Night.

Giant Eagle

Today I went to Giant Eagle after I saw mom at her work. I helped her out a little bit and then made my trip. I looked for something specific and they didn't have it and I remembered my mom saying that it was my turn to cook. So I walked around and looked for something different to make. I was surprised when I was walking out of the store because I was so calm. I don't know what happened but I never even realized I was alone and that my mom was one her way to the other side of Morgantown. I wasn't anxious at all, I don't know how I did it- I just hope can do it again. :)

Wal-Mart visit

I went to Wal Mart today, I'm supposed to make a trip to the grocery store 2x wk. This was my first for this week and driving towards the store my chest began to hurt and I started to get very anxious. This chest hurting is new for me and the last few times its hurt has really started to worry me, I don't think thats normal. I've had anxiety attacks and my chest hurt but this is like someone sucker punched me in the sternum and it hurts! I did good in the store I returned something for mom and then went to the notebook section to buy a small notebook so that I could keep track of all things dog related. Then I walked through the store, looked at some different things, and then made my way to check out. There was a man in front of me, but he didn't make me nervous, in fact we spoke. It was on my way to the car that I saw a man coming at me and began to get very nervous. I got in the car locked the doors and immediately put it in reverse- I wanted out of there! On my way home I started to relax, sang along with the radio and just let it all leave my mind. It wasn't so bad.

Last visit

This past Tuesday was maybe my last visit to the prison. I hope not the last, but I'm going to be going to the mens facility in Morgantown now. I am excited for the change, nervous about being around men and sad to be leaving the ladies. I thanked them for letting me into their group and sharing their experiences with me. They made me feel welcome, safe, and most of all accepted. I didn't feel that they were judging me by my past, thats a fear I have of what people will think of me when they find out. They thanked me for sharing and made me cry. They said I have to make the men cry too. I'm very nervous to be around men, they make me very anxious and I lose all sense of direction. Allison wants me getting out of the house and doing things on my own and I am happy to report that I have been to Wal Mart twice by myself and Aldi's once. Also, I did it with out the meds. GO ME!!!!!!!! When I'm there I just have to keep moving and if theres any men around somewhere I want to stop and look at something I just wait til they leave and then go look. It works...for now. I got a new med a few weeks ago and now I am able to relax so that I fall asleep, and bonus- no more nightmares! Things have really been going good for me. Mom says she can tell a difference, that I'm improving. August will make 3 yrs since all this, meaning the flashbacks, memories, nightmares all started and I must say I'm a little upset that its taking so long. This may be a silly question but how long does PTSD last and my depression on top of it, sometimes I feel like I'm not moving forward fast enough. I'm getting off subject, I miss the ladies already. It was so funny though the trainer for Sur was sitting beside me and he kept getting up and nudging me on the side of my thigh and when we were all done she said "now you've been waiting, go ahead" and he put his paws up on my shoulders and licked my face, he was so excited and of course I loved every minute of it. Today I got my epidural for my back and saw my Dr. who does my meds and she said she wants to keep things where their at since they seem to be working so well. So thats everything I think, maybe even more than necessary :)

The 6th

Two days ago I went to the prison for my visit. I had a great time. There were three new ladies, so I got to meet them. We talked about our ah-ha moments and mine just happened about a month ago. I was at my therapists and we were talking about how I thought the abuse was my fault. She explained to me that I was just a child and there was nothing I could of said or done to deserve that and it finally clicked that it wasn't my fault, I didn't cause it. That has really taken a load off my shoulders b/c all this time I thought it was me. Its so freeing to know that it wasn't. After we finished up team talk Heidi had to meet with a couple of the ladies so I got to pet some of the dogs. Hayden is getting huge, I think they said she weighs 76 lbs now, shes beautiful. I love how she just plops her head down on my lap. Looking forward to my next visit.

I never know what to title these things!

Last week, on Tuesday I had my regular trip to the prison. As Heidi and I waited for my escort we sat and talked and we didn't have to wait very long. After we got to the unit I sat down and waited for the ladies to come in, their always so happy to see me and that puts me at ease. We just talked about if we could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? I said Germany cause I've always wanted to go there but the more I thought about it afterward, I'd really like to take a cruise to the Caribbean. Yeah, I think I'm going to change my answer :) Of course I got to see the dogs, there were only a few in the room with us. That is about it.

Another trip to the prison

Tuesday I went back to the prison. It was a good visit, we talked about good memories. I really enjoyed being with the ladies and listening to them talk about the dogs and what had been going on with them. After we talked for a while we split up in groups and I worked with a few of the ladies and dogs Hayden and Rowan. Hayden really liked doing tug to open the dryer and refrigerator, shes soooooo cute.